When it rains, it pours...
So I know I have been MIA for over 2 months but that is only because a lot of things have been going on since the 4th. Some good, some bad....mostly bad if I'm being 100% honest. So I guess we'll start with the good...
So soon after my last post I met someone...lets just call him Ryan. We hit it off right away, we had an amazing time together. We spent almost every day together, and every day we were apart we would be in contact with each other all day. He became one of my best friends but our relationship was pretty much a secret because he was in the midst of a divorce. We had all these plans to go to a wedding together and to go away and for me to finally meet his friends and family until one night we got in a big argument and then I had 4 seizures in front of him...the next day he came to my house and broke up with me. I mean, I give him credit for doing it to my face, out of all the times I've been dumped that was the first time it was ever done to my face but the timing was just unbelievably sketchy. He said it wasn't because of the seizures and it was because that argument we had was "clarity" and had this notion that I didn't mean what I said when I told him I understood the situation between him and his soon to be ex wife...he basically didn't believe me when I said that and the main issue with Ryan was that he's stubborn and has this compulsive need to ALWAYS be right and when he has an idea in his head there's no way to change it. He had this idea stuck in his head that it wasn't going to work out so why waste our time and that maybe it would work out if he were already divorced...which is unfortunate because I think otherwise but whatevs it happens, no need to stress over a stupid boy...onto the next right?
The DAY after Ryan came over to my house I fell down the stairs and my shoulder started to hurt. I got an x-ray done and the bones were still intact but I couldn't do certain things and was in a lot of pain. I then fell down my front porch steps while it was pouring rain out and hurt my shoulder even more...So I made an appointment with my shoulder doctor who had given me shoulder surgery 2 years ago. I got an MRI and it turns out I was right, I had fucked up my shoulder really bad. I tore my labrum and rotator cuff once again. As much as I want/wanted to get surgery to fix it, he did not want to do surgery and just wanted to see if physical therapy would heal it. It was very frustrating. The day I got my MRI I went to see Ryan. We got lunch together...it was nice, kind of awkward but it was good to see him because I missed hanging out with him and having that someone to tell everything too. He had also told me that he missed hanging out with me too...which was nice to hear since our break up was only a week prior. Anyway, my shoulder doctor gave me pain pills and everyone who would normally be there to help me were no where near my town....the closest person who might have been available was Ryan. So considering the amount of pain I was in and the time of day, I was desperate...I called Ryan. He surprisingly came to my house, picked me up and brought me to the pharmacy. He came to my rescue, which for someone who said they didn't want to be with me anymore was pretty surprising. I asked him why he would do that then quickly told him not to answer...I told him that it was kind and that I truly appreciated it and that even if it wasn't me, I hoped he found what he was looking for. So that was the end of Ryan...
A week after I got my MRI I went back to the doctor I got to see what my shoulder actually looked like...it wasn't as bad as my right shoulder but it was still bad. I was still in my sling and the pain is still really bad, even with the pain killers. After 1 month I still cannot reach over my head or let my left arm hang. It has also put strain on my right shoulder since I now have to do everything with the right shoulder. It has also affected my job. Dr. Ticker said I could work but I had to 'take it easy'. So instead of doing the normal 5 days a week I now only work 3 days a week and they are much shorter days and sometimes I have to call out or leave early because the pain is unbearable. I unfortunately can't wash my hair on my own so thank God I have my mom here, she's been a life saver. But I have been going to PT and doing exercises at home and nothing seems to help take this pain away, even typing this long ass story is starting to hurt my shoulder.
I went to the doctor again because I started hearing pops and cracks in both of my shoulders and was starting to get super freaked out. I got an x-ray done on my right shoulder and I found out that there was a compression in my right shoulder which is basically a bruise on my bone. So not only was there issues in my left shoulder, there was an issue in my right...The doctor tried to check my range in my left shoulder to see if it has gotten any better but he said that there is nothing he can do and refused to do surgery to fix it because my shoulder is so inflamed and stiff that he didn't think surgery would even do the trick. He told me I need to have patience and that we'll see what is gonna happen within a couple of weeks.
While all of this is going on I ended up having 2 more seizures and then another one 2 days ago....when it rains it friken pours right? I have been so crazy stressed with everything that has been going on in my life. I have been trying to stay positive but its been really hard to do that lately. I'm starting to become this person who is negative and for people who know me personally, know I'm usually this happy person. Things have just been difficult and stressful and I consider myself lucky that I have family and friends who are there for me, not a lot of people have that in their life. Every single day I have to basically convince myself that I am strong, I can get through this and that I am a survivor.